a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
