Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
