Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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