chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think my fart just growled at me.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
