I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
