Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
