Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
