My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
