this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
