apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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