the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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