I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
