Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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