First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No I am not eating basil off your cock
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
