just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
