Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
