u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
