when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
