Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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