Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
