dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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