bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
