You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
