Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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