he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Two words: blizzard sex
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
