I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
