Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
