It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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