You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
