You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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