I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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