i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
