i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So vagazzling was a success
did i just pee glitter
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
