I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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