This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
