you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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