Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
