I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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