You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
