I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
