he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
