There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
