is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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