Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
too bad you live with your parents still
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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