I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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