I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We're too hungover to prance.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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