the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am naked and annoyed.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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