I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drake has all the answers
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
