she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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