please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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