remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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